Top honours for the Free University, again

The Free University received top honours at the celebration held at 'The Nodnarb Hotel' to mark the inaugural awards night and celebration of the first anniversary since the creation of NAHMAAH- the National Association for Helping Make All Awards Higher. 
Representatives from many institutions attended the lavish ceremony in the hope that their efforts to raise the standard of grades achieved by their graduates would be recognised. 
Professor Slash N. Byrne, the Dean of Academic Standrads, represented the Free University at the awards ceremony and was visibly delighted to accept the 'Hallemup Trophy'. The trophy, named as a mark of respect to the recently deceased Professor Willy Hallemup of the Free University's outreach centre in Duffbally, is awarded on an annual basis to the institution which achieves the greatest level of grade inflation in the shortest possible period of time. 
It is generally acknowledged that the award represents the pinnacle to which the members of NAHMAAH aspire. The significant publicity accruing to the Institute which wins the 'Hallemup Trophy' ensured that competition was always going to be intense for top place. Readers may recall that it was alleged that some security officers of unnamed institutions were recorded on hidden cameras forcefully extracting votes from detainees at a delicate stage of the judging process. 
Thankfully, however, a root-and-branch investigation by the independent office of the Dean of Malfeasance at the Free University - together with the unfortunate loss of some security camera footage- meant that no evidence of malpractice by any party was found. The final decision was not easily agreed by the jury but ultimately, the Free University was judged to have earned the award by the thinnest of margins.
Accepting the award on behalf of the Free University, Professor Slash N. Byrne thanked the jury (which was chaired by the President-in-Perpetuity of the Studnets Union at the Free University, Jay Pee, and consisted of a colourful panel of international beneficiaries of NAHMAAH) "A dhaoine uaisle, I speak for all of us at the Free University when I say that we are deeply honoured to have won this prestigious award in its inaugural year. Meine kameraden, this award is a testament to the benefits of the educationally broadening initiatives and grade semi-desemesterisation structures which our team has worked hard to bring to fruition. Je voudrais to thank our esteemed leader, Chancellor Horatio Hornblower, for his forceful words of encouragement and persuasive acts of cruelty which ensured that we all believe that we think we understand the apparent necessity for these very important changes to our model of blended isobaric pedagogical and tautological methodologies." 
Turning to address the jury panel, he continued: "Ye can be proud of what ye have got. We hope that ye'll never forget your turd-livil collidge when ye are scattered around the far, nether regions of the globe in search of employment. God bless and all that, like- tanks for everyting, so."
We are sure that our readers will join with us when we offer our sincere congratulations to all at the Free University and look forward to the next such awards ceremony.