Free University Announcements

The Office of Academic Standrads is pleased to announce the new suite of Educational Broadening Modules for the coming academic year. Included in the offerings this year are

• Bouncy Castles (Level 6)
• Sleeping in an Upright Position (Level 6)
• Advanced Colouring (Level 7)
• Complaints Procedures and Their Uses (Level 7)

Prof. Slash N. Byrne is modest about the courses, saying “I suppose it’s what you come to expect from Irish third level education”.

The Schools and Colleges University Management would like to announce the cancellation of all academic meetings for the following week, as it has been discovered that there are no agendas to be pursued.  Should an agenda arise that requires pursuit, relevant academic staff will be notified in a timely manner.  Irrelevant academic staff will not be notified.

Department of Human Services: on foot of a recent report, the Free University Provost has decided that the academic staff are not “fit-to-team” and that, under the Croak Park Deal, every lecturer is to be made redundant. 

While this will have only a marginal impact on the total number of staff at the FU, the Provost has expressed regret at the outcome. “We will miss some of their faces around the place”, said Provost Hornblower. “Some we won’t”.
The Provost is, however, very optimistic about the future of the Free University. "The new, slimmer team will work much better now," he said, "decision-making will be more stream-lined and going forward there will be more synergy."

The Free University's Minister for Financial Undersight has welcomed the announcement. "This is exactly the kind of flexibility envisaged under the Croak Park Agreement", said Sargent Major Dennis Bloodnok.

Computer Resources:  the latest edition of Windows has now been installed on all FU computers.  The new version, Windows 7.1.1.1, Fool's Gold Edition, has a number of bugs that are currently being worked out.  In the meantime, staff are being advised to undertake the following on start-up.

Before logging into the system, staff members should stand up, turn around, clap once, hit the ground, drop their pants (if they have the male version installed) or lift their skirt (if they have the female version installed) and count to ten backwards, before entering their password.  

This will expedite the login process, while also giving the Computer Technicians a good laugh.