The Schools and Colleges University Managers, in collaboration with the Once And Future managers have announced a new suite of training courses designed to help Free University managers in their day-to-day work. “We are entering a critical period for the Free University”, said programme coordinator Prof. Shameless R. Sole, “and the skills on offer will be of great use to anyone considering a job as a manager in these savage times.” Offerings include:
Controlling the Squirm Reflex: As any modern manager knows, situations arise on a daily basis in which even the doughtiest would find themselves extremely uncomfortable. Whether it's defending the indefensible, evading responsibility or dumping it on those closest to you, there are a whole set of circumstances that are not for the weak-willed. Crucial to the handling of these situations is the suppression of any telltale physical manifestations of discomfort, such as flinching or squirming. This module is taught by the multi-talented Prof. Mór Onn, whose ground-breaking course “Controlling the Gag Reflex” helped many of the FU’s managers to attain their current lofty positions, and is sure to be a big hit.
Sycophant Development and Handling: The middle manager has always depended upon a coterie of sycophants to act as both a rear and advance guard in battle situations. The development and handling of these suck-ups requires careful attention and in this module staff will be introduced to all of the latest techniques. Included will be a discussion of the on-going nature-versus-nurture debate: can a person be turned into a sycophant or are they just born scumbags? Learn how to harness their cowardice and low self-esteem to maximum effect and remember: the worse you treat them, the more they come back!
Truth and the Art of Creative Misinterpretation: We live in an imperfect world, and while things may not be the way we want them to be, that’s no reason to pretend they aren’t. That’s the message of this module, delivered by FU’s very own Prof. Wun Dum Fuk. Drawing from his vast experience of timetabling, hiring and firing, cooking the books and manipulating colleagues, Prof. Fuk has a wealth of experience to share from the academic frontline. Starting with such novice techniques as Flirting-With-The-Truth and Creative-Misinterpretation, the learner will soon find themselves sucked into the more advanced Bespoke-Falsehoods and Lying-To-Order. Unmissable.
Sleeping at Night: Whether it’s pissing on a staff member while telling them it’s raining, taking flak for the wankers above you, or putting the kibosh on former friends, sometimes sleeping at night is an uphill struggle for academic management. This module will cover all of the bases of ensuring that you get at least a little bit of sleep at night: complete moral schizophrenia, selective memory suppression and targeted ethical anaesthesia. The FU’s in-house Doctor will also be on hand to dispense free tranquillizers.