Thursday, November 4, 2010

Free University condemns "vicious" amalgamation rumours

The Free University has condemned rumours that it is to be amalgamated with a rival university in an effort to cut costs.  “Such vicious rumours have no basis in fact, or indeed, in fiction”, said university PR Manager Peter Catchup.
The university management are said to be particularly incensed with the suggestion that the only remaining question is which rival university the FU is to be amalgamated with. “There is no way we are going to be handed around like a teen at an Italian prime minister’s party”, said Mr. Catchup.
The union for administration staff has also denied the rumours. Local union representative Shirley-Joe King said “we have been promised by head office that nothing will change. And they crossed their hearts when they promised, so we know it’s true.”
The Free University's Minister for Financial Undersight has also moved to debunk the rumour. "The Croak Park Agreement says absolutely nothing about redeployment or rationalization or saving money or anything like that. It’s the same as all of the other national agreements – it says absolutely nothing,” said Sargent Major Dennis Bloodnok.
According to the FU President “no-one needs to worry. We’d like to assure all of the FU stakeholders that, if amalgamation is to happen, the University management will be the first to read the press release from the Department”.