Chancellor’s Report

Board of Trustees

Chairman of the Board, Councillor Phlegm Gargle, commended the Free University on the wonderful quality of the crab soup served at the recent Trustees meeting. Questions arose, however, as to the origin of the caviar at the meal – while some thought it must be of Iranian origin, others felt it was more likely of Azerbijani provenance. The Minister of Strategic Initiatives has been delegated to ascertain the truth of the matter and is due to report later in the year.

A special session was held for Trustees on filling out Free University expense claim forms. The session was well-attended and, according to all involved, very informative. The introduction of payment for the time and effort spent in filling out the claim forms was welcomed by Councillor V. ‘Cal’ Maher – “The issue of expense forms has been discussed at every Trustee meeting I’ve attended since 1901 and it is great to see some action finally being taken”.

The other agenda item was the question of the inclusion of Trustees associates on the upcoming visit to the Seychelles University. Following a lengthy debate, it was decided unanimously that while spouses, family and cousins of Trustees could be included in the visit, only ‘close’ friends would be allowed to take part. “This historic decision will finally put an end to the ‘junket’ claims that the media love to trumpet” said Trustee Phil D. Quota. The meeting adjourned to top restaurant Le Coq Hardon.

Student News

Congratulations to student Nora Spect (4^th Year Business) on her wonderful success in the Mercy Mounthawk Secondary School egg-and-spoon race. While rumours have surfaced of the use of glue or similar banned substances, the Free University Students’ Union is preparing to vigorously defend Nora’s achievement.

Staff News

All the staff at the FU would like to wish our recent retirees well.  Prof. Shay M. Lesswaster and Prof. Dodge N. Duck have spent many years servicing the Free University and we wish them the very best in the future. The University Health and Safety Inspectorate are investigating the circumstances in which Prof. Duck was struck by the door on the way out, and a full report on the incident is expected soon.

Congratulations to Prof. Patch Slurp of the Department of Absentee Professors on his obtaining of planning permission to build 300 luxury homes in a new ghost estate in Vellybally West. We would like to take this opportunity to commend Prof. Slurp on his ability to work the Free University system so well, and, since we’ll be seeing even less of him over the next year, to wish him every success in his endeavours.