There has been some confusion about the meaning of the Grades being awarded at the Free University. We at the Office of Academic Standrads would like to assure all of our customers that our awards are of the same fine quality that they have come to expect.
To help FU steakholders, the Office of Academic Standrads has set out below the exact meaning of the various awards. Any further queries can be directed to my office,
Prof. Slash N. Byrne
Dean of Academic Standrads
Pass:You know about one third of what you are supposed to know i.e. this result means absolutely nothing.
Merit 1:You made great choices with your electives and all those walkover EBMs have finally added up.
Merit 2: This means that in days past you would only have passed, which would mean absolutely nothing.
Distinction: There was some serious fracas at the Board of Examiners meeting and you were dragged up a full 15% to get this – no one can quite work out why.
Fail: With your performance, even your uncle from Castleisland on the Board couldn’t save you – let him explain it to Mammy.
Exemption(s) granted: Even penny-pinching Free University Professors give to charity occasionally – you actually only passed half the number of exemptions you got.
Noted – Not Eligible for Award: No one in the history of the Free University has ever gotten one of these, so ignore this.
Noted = Subject(s) incomplete: Remember all those Thursday mornings when you woke up with your head in the washing machine instead of being at practicals?
Deferral of Results: That forged note from the University Doctor seems to have worked – now is time
to play the dyslexia crad.
Results Withheld: You might not be embarrassed by your results but we are, and we’re going to keep quiet if you will.
Second Class Honours Grade 1: Appeal this result – you’re bound to get upgraded to a first class honours at the second look.
Second Class Honours Grade 2: Count your lucky stars – all those nights spent in Hormones Nite Klub don’t seem to have halted your progress through the system.
First Class Honours: Don’t take it personally – these days at least 60% of the class has to get this.
Prof. Slash N.Byrne, Perhaps you could give me some guidance? In the event of adverse weather conditions, what results should be awarded to students? The weather is outside their control and of course, they should not be disadvantaged in any way because of hail, rain or snow. I was thinking the result could be linked to the distance travelled and altitude reached. Therefore students travelling via 'Gleann na nGealt' would deserve at least a distinction. Similarly students who make an effort to travel via farmer's bridge, kerry head, conor's pass, abbeyfeale, castleisland, duagh, kilflynn and possibly listowel would meet the criteria for a merit 2?
ReplyDeleteWe also need to examine areas prone to flooding, sea breezes and heatwaves to ensure that these students are treated fairly by the system.
Kind Regards
Prof. 0990222
I think there is considerable merit in Prof 0990222's suggestion.
ReplyDeleteI'd respectfully submit that the result derived from a combination of the distance and altitude could be numerically computed using Pythagoras' theorem; hence, the altitude is deemed to be a vertical measurement and the distance would be the horizontal side. The result would be the sum of each such amount squared, with an appropriate adjustment for qualitative factors- such factors might include whether the student's Mammy is known by a member of staff or maybe it could be linked to the physical beauty (or otherwise) of the student (or of his/her Mammy)?