The Free University today announced that it has finally opened the doors of the much anticipated 'Centre for Looking Intelligent, Modern And Exciting' wing. Construction of this facility, which has long topped the list of essential resources sought by the management team, will mean that that all lecturing staff in need of a freshening up of their lecturing style can avail of this facility's state-of-the art resources.
Cilla Smileykins, the promotions officer of the Free University said: "Lecturing staff in need of a freshening up of their lecturing style can avail of this facility's state-of-the-art resources."
In a tour of the facility led by Horatio Hornblower, the Chancellor of the Free University, much attention was paid to the specially designed 'Barnacle Removal Unit', 'Posture Correction Device' and the 'Brain Extractor and Enhancer Machine' which are expected to be among the most popular of the many facilities availed of by the most senior staff.
Sir Hornblower noted that the facility would also be made available to the entirety of the Free University's management team. "I am proud of the dedication which I alone have shown in ensuring that this magnificent facility has finally seen fruition. I have issued Directive 227.2A to my minions requiring that they avail of the treatments and procedures which I have personally selected for each of them."
Cilla Smileykins gushed: "It is a testament to the dedication of our great leader that this magnificent facility has finally seen fruition. May I also add", as she flashed a pearly-white smile, "that I am honoured to have been included in the lengthy list of VIP's who have been personally prioritised by our great leader for the first set of treatments."
When questioned about the status of the impending application for funding to commence construction of the 'Free University Centre for Keeping High the Awards of New Graduates- Experimental Models' (FUCKHANGEM), Sir Hornblower commented: "I expect to be making an important announcement on that matter shortly."
"An important announcement on the matter of that application will be made shortly by our esteemed leader", purred Cilla.
It is widely understood that this proposed facility has as its objective the imposition of appropriate sanctions on staff who fail to meet targeted student exam success quotas. We shall keep our readers posted of the progress of this application.
Cilla Smileykins, the promotions officer of the Free University said: "Lecturing staff in need of a freshening up of their lecturing style can avail of this facility's state-of-the-art resources."
In a tour of the facility led by Horatio Hornblower, the Chancellor of the Free University, much attention was paid to the specially designed 'Barnacle Removal Unit', 'Posture Correction Device' and the 'Brain Extractor and Enhancer Machine' which are expected to be among the most popular of the many facilities availed of by the most senior staff.
Sir Hornblower noted that the facility would also be made available to the entirety of the Free University's management team. "I am proud of the dedication which I alone have shown in ensuring that this magnificent facility has finally seen fruition. I have issued Directive 227.2A to my minions requiring that they avail of the treatments and procedures which I have personally selected for each of them."
Cilla Smileykins gushed: "It is a testament to the dedication of our great leader that this magnificent facility has finally seen fruition. May I also add", as she flashed a pearly-white smile, "that I am honoured to have been included in the lengthy list of VIP's who have been personally prioritised by our great leader for the first set of treatments."
When questioned about the status of the impending application for funding to commence construction of the 'Free University Centre for Keeping High the Awards of New Graduates- Experimental Models' (FUCKHANGEM), Sir Hornblower commented: "I expect to be making an important announcement on that matter shortly."
"An important announcement on the matter of that application will be made shortly by our esteemed leader", purred Cilla.
It is widely understood that this proposed facility has as its objective the imposition of appropriate sanctions on staff who fail to meet targeted student exam success quotas. We shall keep our readers posted of the progress of this application.
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